What about brothers and sisters?

It is always stressful for a child to accept the arrival of a sibling, regardless of the circumstances of the birth. If a new brother or sister arrives early and has to stay in hospital it is particularly confusing. This section offers information on some common behaviours and feelings that may be experienced by your other child/children, and suggestions for helping them to cope with the experience.

Common behaviours

Some children may:

• become attention seeking, while others may become quiet and withdrawn.
  
  
• have trouble eating or sleeping.
  
  
• return to common behaviours from when they were young such as thumb sucking, bed wetting, carrying a security blanket, or toy. These behaviours may be comforting and familiar.
  
  
• behave disruptively in school.
  

Common feelings

Some children may:

• feel left out of their new brother's or sister's life or feel that nobody is paying them any attention. This may make them feel jealous.
  
  
• be angry with their parents for not protecting their brother or sister, or may be scared their parents will not be able to stop them from getting sick.
  
  
• feel guilty they are healthy and happy not to be in hospital.
  
  
• feel angry with their new brother or sister for arriving too early and for getting sick.

One of the most important things that you can do for your other child/children is to talk to them. Be honest about what is happening, and let them know you are willing to listen to them. Maybe assure them they are still special and loved  The whole experience can be made easier for them when they can understand what is going on and the purpose of the activity around their brother or sister.

Some suggestions that may help your other child/children

• Involve them in your babies' progress giving simple and honest updates, marking days off on a calendar.
  
  
• If you are planning a visit with your other child/children you could help them to prepare by making a video tape of one of your visits, by taking photographs or by  showing them the NICU equipment. You could describe how it looks, sounds and how the equipment is helping their brother or sister.
  
  
• Before visiting help them to choose a toy, a family photo or photo of themselves to put in your baby's cot.
  
  
• Suggest that they can draw a postcard size picture to go into the cot for their brother or sister.
  
  
• When visiting with your other child/children allow them to determine the length of stay if possible.
  
  
• Ask one of the nurses to arrange for your other children to spend some time with our play therapist Karen during their visit.
  > Play therapy
  
  
• Surprise them with a toy their baby brother or sister has chosen, put it in the cot for them to find when they visit.
  
  
• Leave messages on the cot from their baby brother or sister to them.
  
  
• Discuss the visit with your child after you leave, and if you have the time maybe take them to a park.
  
  
• Make a scrap book for them to take to school with photos of their first cuddle with the baby, footprints, a nappy, and hospital information booklet.
  
  
• Set aside special time for reading books at bedtime, (maybe tell a special story about a baby on NICU), singing songs, visiting the park, going to see a film or by taking them out in the pushchair.
  
  
• Look through photos of them as a baby. Talk about what is the same and what is different.
  
  
• Maintain the familiar routines as far as possible such as going to playgroup and visiting friends.
  
  
• Borrow different toys, books, etc from a local library to keep them occupied while you are resting or expressing milk for the baby.
  
  
• Involve the child/children in the creation of your baby's journey box.
  
  
• Seek support from family and friends.

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